Happy Easter!!!

Well so far today has been good. I am working of course but its ok. My family isn't having their get together til 6pm so that gives me time to get ready and go down state. Life is good... a little confusing lately but I know that I can get through it.

I really am a firm believer that God does not put us through things that we cannot handle. And what a beautiful discovery when we find that through it all, we are resilient and look forward to the next day with brighter eyes and understanding. We become stronger and stand ready for when other things happen. Maybe he prepares us for the worst so that we can continue to live.

God has been good to me this year... I have a newer car that runs and is in good shape. I am employed. For Michigan this is a big thing. I have a roof over mine and my kitties heads. So I am doing ok. Can always be better but I am grateful for what I do have. I am not a religious zealot but I do know that things happen for a reason.

I have dated a few people... I think I have decided to kind of cool off on that for a while. I am 25 and am ready for it to happen... but I am also ready to live my life finally without a man to tell me what to do and when to do it. I met someone almost right after Brian and I went our separate ways.

We have been dating on and off again for a about 6 or 7 months and its going well. Well at least I think so. My problem that I have discovered is that I cannot trust what people say. I second guess everything and its not fair to me or him but I can't help it. I have wasted 4 years of my life with someone that battered and bruised me, emotionally and physically, so bad that I can no longer let people in. I long for that sweet innocence that I once had where I believed that someone would love me completely... and be content with me and only me. The innocence of not knowing how the negative outcome will effect my life.

I stumble upon things like websites that still have active listings for this person that I am dating. And ya, I have a few too. I guess the difference though is that I am not actively looking for someone else. I am content with the way things are going in what I have with this guy. Now don't get me wrong... he does say that he isn't looking for anyone else either and that he only goes to that site when he has a message but how can I trust that? Is the answer to delete my accounts and ask him to do the same thing? I mean I feel that kind of infringes on tryin to take some of his freedom away and I don't want to do that but how can I be sure that I am not wasting my time and that when he doesn't call he isn't with another person. I hate waiting, and I hate wasting my time.

We have gotten really close in the last few weeks and I guess I am scared... Just really fucking scared that again I will put everything into something and someone who will in the end hurt me and feel justified in doing it for some shallow reason.

I am over sensitive to these situations. Maybe I am just freaking out. Who knows but you have to wonder...

All I know is that I really care for this person and want things to work out but I can't constantly be second guessing but I don't know how to just let go cause I know I will be hurt again...

I guess I will continue to pray for the guidance and the patience to know and really feel that things with us are as good as I think they are.



Whiskey

Awakening of the real Whiskey...

This is the first post for this new adventure. I should have started writing again immediately after I said I would move from the old blog to this one. But life gets in the way even for our best made plans. I am the perfect example of this.

I have been gone for a while due to trying to deal with my own personal Hell. On my own, and in the only way I know how, throwing myself into my work and forsaking everything about myself in order to get my mind off of the obvious of what was wrong. I deal with these obvious things in the quiet of my mind when I know for a fact I am alone.

Good news is that I am finally ready and willing to let my self completly heal. I am finally ready to seriously date again and continue to try find the one that will not only make me happy, but also be healthy enough, mentally and physically, in his own right to allow himself to be happy as well.

I need a partner for my life, not a dictator. Nor someone who will make me feel less of a person tom make themselves achieve some kind of higher being at someone else's expense. I just won't be that person anymore.

What I have discovered and learned so far...

I am far better without Brian than I ever was with him.

I would rather have my family broken as it may be... than to have a bunch of lieing, backbiting, evil people telling me for 4 years how they loved me and cared for me. Where are they now?

I will never get the time I wasted on him back nor the love and the parts of myself that were given to him. I just wish I had that for the one that will/or does truly love me.

Shedding the darkness that has been bestowed upon me is not an easy task... still working on this.

I will probably NEVER trust anyone fully again.

That I AM... the most remarkable, loving, generous, hard working, resilient, and kind person that I know.
That I AM... More beautiful than what can outwardly be seen. There is more to me, more beautiful facets and colors, like a diamond than most can see.
That I AM... Strong Enough to take whatever comes at me and still be standing with dignity and grace while others fall and wither away. The proof is right here. I am still alive and still sane.


I am loving the me that I am discovering.